It's Okay To Like Somebody!!

Today I had a dash of wonderful!

It started at the end of Drama class! I was standing kind of alone during that time period in class where people just congregate and chat before the bell rings. Then the fellow who I continually talk about here on my journal entries came up to me! The first thing he asked me was, "Are you cold?" And I then I awkwardly didn't comprehend what he was asking me at first. Then I realized he was asking that because I was wearing shorts *O* Then I said something like, "No? Oh, yeah...? Kind of. I mean, no! No. I am not. Cold." I seriously do not even know why I could not answer a simple question. I'm just awkward sometimes? =o=" Anyhow, then after that silliness I congratulated him on his cool dancing at the rally on Friday. We had one for Powderpuff, and he was one of those guys that dress up in skirts and do a cheer routine. It was really entertaining to watch. And I was telling him how cool it was that he was doing all those flips and stuff! (He honestly did like, four back flips during that routine!!) And I was also talking about how I usually skip the rallies, but when I found out that he was going to do a cheer during it, I couldn't miss it!! (Wahaha!)
Then after that we got into a conversation about how I could totally play football in Powderpuff. And as goes the expected response, he was saying that I would just freak out/people would just jump over me =v=" The bell rang, and we were still talking, so we ended up walking out together, which has never happened before. We continued talking, and he seemed to disagree that I could tackle somebody effectively. Then it got to the point in which I was thinking, "Where are we supposed to separate?" (Because I think of these things like the ball of awkward that I am.) And so I eventually just went, "Okay!" and tried to walk the other way, but it kind of didn't work out. So then I just found a friend and caught her and went, "Hello!", remembering to say, "Bye!" to him. And he replied, "Bye!" and all was well.
...Except when I arrived at my usual lunch area, where I sit next to my friend. I ended up vivaciously jumping towards him and landing in front of him saying, "I have so much to tell you!!" And he told me to sit down and tell him. At first I was very hesitant. I had all these really long, awkward pauses, saying things like, "I don't know if I should even talk about this..." and "Maybe if I push the feelings all away, then they'll disappear!!" But he said I should tell him so I eventually took a deep breath...and all my inner conflicts poured out of me!
I started telling him about the guy I had just been walking with. I told him how I think he's really cool and nice. And that when he's not around, I want to know where he is...and when I don't get to talk to him, I want to talk to him. I felt I was getting...attached!! And by this point I was already grabbing my head in confusion and distress, and hugging my knees or touching them with my forehead. And I was telling him, "I don't have a crush on him! I promise! Whenever...whenever I feel the 'crush' feeling happening, I tell myself 'No! Don't do that! Bad!' And then I make it stop! So it's not that!" But it made me so confused...I was saying, half to my friend and half to myself: "Then why? Why do I feel this way?!"
And pretty much what he did was give me a hug. But other than that he was just there to listen. I suppose that's his way of support? I just kept rambling though...on and on about my feelings and how I don't understand. And then I was trying to figure out a justification for it.
Eventually began to realize...I feel that way about people sometimes! Like my friend, he's gay, but I feel really close with him! Like, sometimes I skip lunch to go and study, but I do feel that emptiness of not being able to have talked to him...but I don't have a crush on him!...And, and, and! When I was in Sweeney Todd, there was this guy (also gay) who I really, really, really admired so much!! And I always thought about him because he was so wonderful and cool and nice! But I didn't have a crush on him!
Because I was able to see this, I felt better as the day went by! By fourth period, the end of my school day, I was able to tell my friends about my new and wonderful revelation! So I will end this journal with something akin to what I told them.

I've come to the realization that it's okay to like somebody a lot! I have a big heart with love for everybody, but I think sometimes I have so much affection that I get confused with how I feel. But now I know that this boy that I talk about...I like him! And it's not a "crush" kind of like that people would usually believe, but rather it's the kind of "like" that says: "Hello! You are really nice to be around! So I'd like to talk to you a lot and be around you and become more of friends!" This kind of like can happen sometimes with certain, special people!
When I first got to know him, he was so nice to me. So nice that he shamelessly spoke of the things we should be grateful  for in life with a smile, and so nice that he patted my head, and he told me no one should hurt me. I think it's just hard for me to handle such kindness sometimes...I'm used to always giving it to others, and I just don't expect it from people that much. It's not a bad thing, it's just what I'm used to. So I believe what happened was...when he was so nice to me, my heart got startled! And then it panicked and didn't understand why I was feeling so drawn to him. But now I know! Now I've figured it out!! It's true that I feel like this, but these things don't solely mean I have a "crush"! It just means I really like him as a person, and that's okay!

Knowing that my feelings are "okay" make me feel so relieved! I feel happy that it's okay for me to like people the way I do sometimes *^O^*

I also now know that I am capable of solving my problems by myself! Just as long as I decide to confront them. You see, I was actually feeling as if this was a problem for a while, but I kept pushing it away because I was scared it would mean something else. But everything is alright now! I'm glad I have the ability to figure out the answer by myself. I can now be a stronger person!

Okay! Well, now you have a dose of "Um-Okay-That-Was-Really-Weird-I-Don't-Even-Understand-You"

I hope you all are feeling lovely!